Sad Girls Por Vida

I have a few posts already but I’ve decided to challenge myself.

Why share my thoughts with the public? Haha, my thoughts aren’t exactly P.C. and will not be everyone’s cup of tea. But I don’t want to be that. I don’t want my writing to be common. I want you to read me and remember. I don’t want to be common, but I do want to find common ground.

I feel like there are many people out there who can relate to my story, perspective, and insight.

You may not know me now, but give me a year and I’ll tell you a million little pieces.

I jest.

Or do I?

They’re coming for you, David!

Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim

A teacher at the school I work at is going back for her degree (yay higher education!) and asked me to help her with a literature assignment. So I completely re-wrote it. Of course I edited hers, gave her notes on grammar and style, and ideas of additional themes to explore. This is what I came up with more or less. Here ya go! Enjoy!

Please note that I’ve edited and added to this piece for this blog. It was a bit vanilla and just hitting command c command v isn’t very creative.


In his autobiographical essay “Nuit of the Living Dead” from his book Dress Your Family In Corduroy and Denim , David Sedaris allows the reader an intimate glimpse into his life, which at this particular moment happens to be absolutely fucking horrifying! It is a hysterically dark comedy, juxtaposing an incredibly dark moment in the narrators life with the common and relatable but uncomfortable feeling of forced intimacy with strangers.  Using this juxtaposition, the narrator is able to gain an outside perspective of just how strange of a situation he has placed him in and how that may look to an outsider. It also allows the reader to question how a complete outsider might observe them. 

Some summer Sedaris is living in the French country with his boyfriend, Hugh, who happens to be out of town this particular evening. Sedaris is alone, an American, in an isolated part of France with only a tenuous understanding of the language. He is completely out of his element. In addition to being a fish out of water, he is living in a creepy house. A house that, legend has it, has a very gruesome past. Add this to the fact that it is in the middle of no where, you have a recipe for a haunted house story or three. 

I never believed that a burglar starved to death in a chimney. I don’t believe that his skeleton dropped onto the hearth. But i do believe in spooks, especially when Hugh is away and i’m left alone in the country. During the war our house was occupied by Nazis. The former owner died in the bedroom, as did the owner before her […]

This doesn’t bother David. No, what does bother him is the graveyard down the street because he is terrified of zombies. Yes, he does admit the logical reasoning is and he is damn funny doing it.

It’s silly, I know, but what frightens me is the possibility of zombies, former townspeople wandering about in pus covered nightgowns. There’s a church graveyard a quarter of a mile away, and were its residents to lurch out the gate and take a left, ours would be the third house they would stumbled upon. Lying in bed with all the lights on, I drawed up contingency plans on the off chance they might come a-callin’.

The author also lets us in on his personal life in a way that is crucial to the major plot point. The contention between the narrator and his boyfriend to have mouse traps in the home. David doesn’t want them, but Hugh insists and David allows given Hugh take care of the casualties. Skip to some summer evening in Normandy. Our narrator hears a noise that sounded like something dragging, rather than rolling, which was strange because the reason the couple had gotten the traps was and attempt to get rid of the sound of the mice rolling nuts down the gutters of the house. This is where things go from bad to worse to weird.

English: a rat Français : un rat

The problem with drowning an animal – even a crippled one – is that it does not want to cooperate. This mouse had nothing going for him, and yet he struggled, using what, I don’t really know. I tried to hold him down with a broom handle but it wasn’t the right tool for the job and he kept breaking free and heading back to the surface. A creature that determined, you want to let it have its way, but this was for the best, whether he realized it or not.  

Just as our well-intentioned if not neurotic narrator has got the vermin pinned to the bottom of the bucket as he has determined is the only way to kill a small creature with a strong will to live, he is surprised by a van full of odd Dutch “or maybe Scandinavian” tourists pulled up next to the very porch where he was committing mouse-drowning. Contextually compassionate mouse-drowning. David is momentarily distracted by the visitors humorous accent and ignorance of the surrounding area and invites the stranger into his house to look at a detailed map of the area that he has inside.

He remembers the scene he had abandoned to assist the lost travelers as he and his guest arrive on the porch landing. The Dutch or Scandinavian assesses the scene and attempts to find a common ground.

“Oh,” he said. “I see that you have a little swimming mouse.” His tone did not invite explanation, and so I offered none. “My wife and I have a dog, “ he continued. “But we did not bring it with us. Too much trouble.”

I nodded and he held out his map, a Xerox of a Xerox marked with arrows and annotated in a language I did not recognize. “I think I’ve got something better in the house,” I said, and at my invitation, he followed me inside.

As soon as this European of ambiguous origin is in his home, he realizes that the first impression that this complete stranger has is that of mouse drowning in a bucket without explanation. As David leads his guest into the living area, he realizes that many of the various knickknacks, publications, novelties and other oddities that, contextually and culturally are perfectly appropriate, but without situational and cultural context an outsider could very well make the mistake of misjudging the narrator’s character.

An unexpected and unknown visitor allows you to see a familiar place as if for the very first time. I’m thinking of the meter reader rooting through the kitchen at eight a.m., the Jehovah’s Witness suddenly standing in your living room. “Here,” they seem to say. “Use my eyes. The focus is much keener.” I had always thought of our main room as cheerful, but walking through the door, I saw that I was mistaken. It wasn’t dirty or messy, but like being awake when all decent people are fast asleep, there was something slightly suspicious about it.

Graphic French true crime magazines were piled on the table. David had been casually reading them to help improve his poor French and one of the issues was open to the crossword puzzle with the French word for VAGINA being the only one filled in because, well, that was the only word David knew. He celebrated this small victory by drawing exclamation points in the margins. A puzzle in the shape of an three dimensional anatomically human laid eviscerated on the living room table. These are just examples of the oddities that adorn David and Hugh’s home.

After the Dutch or Scandinavian tourist has had a good look around the house (after having witnessed the mouse drowning, mind you), David shows the stranger the location of the area he is looking for on a detailed map he keeps in his home. After he clarifies the directions, he offers what American’s would call “Southern hospitality”.

The route was fairly simple, but still I offered him the map, knowing he would feel better if he could refer to it on the road. “Oh no,” he said, “I couldn’t,” but I insisted, and watched from the porch as he carried it down the stairs and into the idling van. “If you have any problems, you know where I live,” I said. “You and your friends can spend the night here if you like. Really, I mean. I have plenty of beds.” The man in the tracksuit waved good-bye, and then he drove down the hill, disappearing behind the neighbor’s pitched roof.

Can the reader really blame the tourist for declining the narrator’s offer? David certainly made a striking first impression but it was not the type he wanted to. He gave off more of a serial killer vibe than a odd ball writer/fish out of water vibe.


What do people think when they first meet me? Or when they read my resume? Or browse my book collection? My home is very revealing. I live with my younger brother, he is a college art student and lives as such. I’m okay with that. He spent two semesters in Paris; we have a French flag flying in our foyer where we keep three bikes and and oversized vintage ashtray.

My brother is an artist, earning his BFA, so there is a gallery of my brother’s art, vintage soviet propaganda posters, movie posters and various prints on every surface of wall space of the living area. Then there is this crazy contraption. Is it an easel? I don’t know.

PARDON THE DUST, THIS IS A WORK IN PROGRESS…

Sounds and silences

I apologize that I become a hack Elizabeth Wurtzel/Sylvia Plath/Cat Marnell when I drink. The fact that I become a monster right before my period doesn’t help either. Add that to the fact that in my personal life, when it rains, it fucking DELUGES and I haven’t been able to burn one I feel like crying most of the time.

Boo hoo poor me and my first world problems.

Fuck you if you are going to judge me for feeling sad. Feelings are okay but I feel them so intensely they make me act out in ways I often really really regret. Time heals all wounds when it comes to those inflicted by my sick mind, or as my tattoo reads “NOTHING GOLD CAN STAY”.

I know I don’t have problems in the way that my clients who are homeless, recovering from addiction, in the cycle of domestic violence, AND have mental health issues; trying to help them find solutions for their situations while dealing with my own crisis while trying to stay mentally health can be very fucking challenging. Especially now that the seasons are changing. Long days when the sun doesn’t get until 8 pm are long gone.

I don’t watch Game of Thrones but WINTER IS COMING….It is hard to describe what the onset of a depressive episode feels like so I’ll do my best.

I feel like there is a dark cloud; surrounding me. It feels like there is a storm forming, foreboding thunderheads following me everywhere. I’m familiar with the signs and symptoms of upcoming episode like the back of my hand. Clock work. From the research that I’ve done, with each depressive episode one experiences, the higher the chances the person is of having subsequent episodes over the course of the life time. You can challenge me on this as I’m not citing sources.

The cloud turns into a haze, I forget things easily. Most things make me sad and sad things make me weep. Resting bitch face is a way of being. The storm has taken hold and I’m hiding out in my tunnel. The tunnel is a scary place; I’ve been there before many times and if I don’t catch myself early enough, I can ruin relationships and do some really scary things.

Valley of the Dolls (film)I get scared of where my mind will take me…the obsessive thoughts, shame, apathy, intense feelings of rejection, emotional numbness, apathy, lethargy, physical pain. The storm is coming, at least I know the signs, symptoms, and triggers. Drinking at all is not helpful. I don’t behave well when I drink. Those are the times I am most self destructive, when I cause the most visible damage. The uncontrollable urge to self harm; the ritualized picking apart of razor blades; the cathartic pain, blossom of crimson. Then shame. How do I hide this…?

English: Razor

And this is what happens to your relationships.

This story happened years ago.


 

 I honestly don’t remember how the fight started. I do remember how it ended: [the ex] calling Ali to come over and take care of me.

There was blood everywhere. In my anxiety and rage induced fury I had punched out the kitchen cabinet, which in this apartment was a window like pane of glass, busting my knuckles open and spraying glass everywhere. I guess I had also slashed my arm with a pair of scissors because my arm was bleeding too.

At least this was when I was still in college and didn’t have to explain the cuts to fragile minds. I did not have the foresight to hide them. The scars are now covered by beautiful tattoos, by the way.

Sidenote, a therapist I now work with likes to give me shit about my ink and tells me often, “Remember, scars have more character than tattoos”. That kind of character (flaw?) I don’t need the world to see, or to be reminded of daily.

It was either call her, take me to my brothers, or call the cops and have me taken to the hospital for a psych eval. I chose the least restrictive option (and the one that would worry my family the least, I’ve put them through enough).

All I can remember is the feeling of that night. A feeling of abandonment and fear. This was one of the worst nights of my life. I remember [the ex] just trying to leave and me trying to get him to stay and talk to me, to come to some kind of common understanding. He just wanted to leave my crazy ass and go to his mother’s to cool off. When they talk about fight or flight mode, I was in fight and he was in flight.

I did not understand why? WHY???? Like I said, I don’t remember how the fight started. It was probably during the beginning of the end, when our relationship became one sided. I have always been a stoner. The Nerd knew this from the very beginning. One day, seemingly out of the blue, he told me he didn’t want me smoking weed anymore because it was illegal. ILLEGAL! In a state where medical marijuana is legal and people smoking doobies in the open is the norm?

English: Medical marijuana neon sign at a disp...

In reality, it was his way of controlling my behavior by proxy. He did not like my friends. All my friends smoked weed or even sold it. Hell, some of my best friends grew the shit. The. Shit. Now he said he did not trust me and thought my friends were bad influences. I shouldn’t hang out with said friends. WTF?! But I was in love. You see where this is going…

But however the argument began, I was determined to win. I was hopeless. Beyond hysterical. Every time he tried to leave, I screamed after him, threatening more self harm. I’m surprised the neighbors didn’t call the cops. But again, thinking about the neighborhood we lived in, it’s not really surprising.

That’s when he took my phone and started scrolling through my contacts and I really FREAKED THE FUCK OUT.

“Who do you want me to call?” he said, with a look of smug arrogance that became all too familiar to me in the coming years. “Should I call _________ to come pick you up so you can stay on his couch?”

“NO FUCKING WAY!” I screeched like a banshee. “He doesn’t need to deal with this!” My brother is younger than me and is not good in a crisis. “Call Ali! She’ll know what to do!”

It was about 2 am. This was the normal hour for our knock down drag outs. Ali did get called. I don’t remember if I called her or if he did, but I do remember waiting tensely while [the ex] packed and overnight bag while I sat outside in the freezing ass cold chain smoking Marlboro 27s and crying my mascara off, wondering what my friend would think about me. I’m a fucked up skag.

Ali arrived about 15 minutes later and [the ex] made himself scarce. I don’t think I saw him again for a few days. She helped me clean my wounds and clean the glass from the kitchen floor. I cried on her shoulder and she persuaded me to take my Xanax (I was still apprehensive about taking the highly addictive medication). I was asleep 30 minutes later. She helped me, listened, and didn’t judge.

We’ve fallen apart over the years, but I truly value her friendship.

It really is good to know who your friends are when shit gets weird…

Quote

Rumsfeld logic.

Donald Rumsfeld, Secretary of Defense of the U...

Donald Rumsfeld (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Reports that say that something hasn’t happened are always interesting to me, because as we know, there are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns — the ones we don’t know we don’t know. And if one looks throughout the history of our country and other free countries, it is the latter category that tend to be the difficult ones. -Donald Rumsfeld, U.S. Department of Defense news briefing in February 2002

When prolific politician, former CEO of the company that would become Monsanto, and possible war criminal Donald Rumsfeld made this statement during the early G.W. Bush years, he was lambasted in the media for being completely nonsensical. One things that I really admire about Mr. Rumsfeld is his almost preternatural ability to use classical rhetoric

Sick kid.

A lot of times I want to curl up and cry. That sounds oh so mellow dramatic, but it’s true. At this very moment I have a half eaten apple on my desk. My stomach is making starving noises and I am very, very hungry. But I am very wary of eating anything. I’ve started taking Topamax again for my chronic blinding migraines. The major side effects that folks like to talk about are the weight loss (in combination with the drug phentermine, the FDA has approved it as a weight loss drug) and cognitive deficits (giving it the affectionate nickname “Dopamax”).

A lesser talked about side effect is explosive diarrhea and nausea, especially when one first starts taking the drug. For four days straight, every time I eat something, it comes right back out. It is extremely uncomfortable and anxiety inducing. I’m afraid to eat an apple for fucks sake.

Like with many people taking drugs with unpleasant side effects, once I started getting relief from the symptoms I started using the drug for, I stopped taking them. Which is stupid, because that means the drug works, Sherlock! I have a love-hate relationship with my migraine drugs. Since migraine is such a mysterious disorder, many different treatments, and no one tried and true treatment that is sure to work for everyone I have literally tried everything that has been marketed in the last 20 years for migraines.

I cannot remember a time in my life when I did not have disabling, mind altering headaches. When I was a little kid, my parents would just give me Advil and wait for me to puke. Generally I would feel better after that. When I got older and more self conscious about being the kid that throws up all the time, my parents took me to a headache specialist who prescribed me Imitrex. I was in middle or high school at the time.

I will tell you that this drug did not do shit for me. It’s what pain specialists call an abortive therapy, or a medication that you take when you already have a migraine. I believe that I took this drug twice. It made me feel out of it, not unlike taking a little too much Benadryl, but it did make my head hurt a little less bad. So, that was good. But a few hours later my headache rebounded with a vengeance. I may as well have stuck it up my arse for all the good it did me (to quote one of my favorite drug movies, Trainspotting). 

For the next ten years or so I dealt with the pain. I found that caffeine pills worked somewhat, and a few hits of some killer sativa would crush any pain or anxiety, but a lot of the time I found myself alone in my room, with all the lights out, willing myself to sleep.

I was first prescribed Topamax by my shrink, who assured me that in addition to preventing (prophylactic therapy) migraines it would help stabilize my moods. That was reassuring because I can be one moody bitch!

What he didn’t tell me that in combination with my ADHD medications, I would lose so much weight people would think I had an eating disorder. In less than a year I went from 5 feet even and weighing 130 to weighing 94 pounds. Before I stopped taking the drug in July I had been hospitalized three times and had 4 EKGs.

I kept taking Topamax because being dangerously thin was better than being in excruciating pain. But the pain became less frequent and the hospital visits became more regular, so I made the decision to stop taking the Topamax.

But then the inevitable happened. My migraines returned. I have a very stressful job so I’m not surprised really. So hear I am, back on the Dopamax, shitting my brains out. And I had just gained ten pounds. I was so proud of my ghetto booty.