Sad Girls Por Vida

I have a few posts already but I’ve decided to challenge myself.

Why share my thoughts with the public? Haha, my thoughts aren’t exactly P.C. and will not be everyone’s cup of tea. But I don’t want to be that. I don’t want my writing to be common. I want you to read me and remember. I don’t want to be common, but I do want to find common ground.

I feel like there are many people out there who can relate to my story, perspective, and insight.

You may not know me now, but give me a year and I’ll tell you a million little pieces.

I jest.

Or do I?


Rumsfeld logic.

Donald Rumsfeld, Secretary of Defense of the U...

Donald Rumsfeld (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Reports that say that something hasn’t happened are always interesting to me, because as we know, there are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns — the ones we don’t know we don’t know. And if one looks throughout the history of our country and other free countries, it is the latter category that tend to be the difficult ones. -Donald Rumsfeld, U.S. Department of Defense news briefing in February 2002

When prolific politician, former CEO of the company that would become Monsanto, and possible war criminal Donald Rumsfeld made this statement during the early G.W. Bush years, he was lambasted in the media for being completely nonsensical. One things that I really admire about Mr. Rumsfeld is his almost preternatural ability to use classical rhetoric

Pill head.

English: 180 3mg Mylan™ brand alprazolam exten...

Not many people know this about me, but I am an addict. Not the type that commits crimes to maintain a dangerous habit, but the medically sanctioned, socially acceptable type.

I should have never been prescribed Xanax. It’s both psychologically and physically addicting and doctors know this. But hey! It’s faster and easier than therapy and your doctor definitely recommends using it as an adjunct to talk therapy. So that worked for a while. That was over three years ago. I had been prescribed .25 mg to help with panic attacks and insomnia. I’m now being prescribed 90 2 mg bars a month. That’s 6 mg a day. For years.

What got me thinking about my physical addiction to Xanax was something that happened about two weeks ago. I stopped taking my meds cold turkey. During the day, I generally don’t need them as I’ve learned the skills I need to deal with my anxiety through a combination of DBT, CBT, and yoga. I’m a life long stoner, so I can usually rely on my good friend Mary Jane to put my out for the evening.

About 3 days without any benzos in my system, something very troubling happened. I started to withdrawal. It was like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. I was dependent on opiates after a bad accident so I’ve experienced junk sickness before, but nothing could’ve prepared me for abruptly quitting the Xanax.

Opiate withdrawal is extremely unpleasant and uncomfortable but ultimately, you’ll live you big fucking baby.

You can die from benzodiazepine  withdrawal. Hallucinations, grand mal seizures, dead. The way benzos affect the brain is similar to alcohol.

I felt like I was going to die. Every muscle was tense; I was having horrible muscle spasms. I was constantly nauseous and having panic attacks every day. I was so irritable I locked myself in my room for an entire week. Had I not realized I was essentially kicking a very dangerous drug I could have had delirium tremins, had a seizure, and possibly died.

I did realize what was happening, refilled my Xanax and immediately felt like a new person.

But I know it’s gonna be a constant battle, my psych drugs and I. My current cocktail is Xanax, Adderall, Vyvase, Topimax, and Metaprolol. The plan is to eventually get me off the Xanax by switching to Klonopin/medical marijuana and tapering off of the benzos all together. But how progressive is my shrink??

In case you’re curious, Celexa, Prozac, Seroquel, Wellbutrin, Saphris, Carbatrol, and Ambien have done nothing but take away my orgasms and make me fat.

That’s that story….